My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
You Might Also Like
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Spa day..😅
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.