I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
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One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore