Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.