According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.