The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
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Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
yeet
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Baking is just science you can eat.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly