[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.