Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
sensitive skin
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.