boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*