Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?