ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.