An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
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If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Why am I like this?
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