What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[adds another nod to the conversation]
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke