The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
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Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv