[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Peace was never an option
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs