NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?