My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
*puts cutlery down*
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
That time Alicia messaged me
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings