Tastes like chicken.
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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
😂😂
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Breaking news:
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
A customer told me they were never coming back….
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.