ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
huge if true: the moon