[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
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Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“Huge”.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Meme Monday.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”