Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Sponch
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.