coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
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My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I am HOWLING at this
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet