I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
What a kind woman! 😂😂
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Tough love is true love
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
This is my favorite one of these!
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”