Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”