Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
The prophecy is fulfilled
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here