[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
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*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going