squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
happy valentine’s day to me
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!