Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
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Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.