Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
2022: I can fix it
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.