*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
A completely valid reaction tbh
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke