What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
God, I love Scotland
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣