Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
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I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
is this a threat
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.