“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
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*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Cinematography is my passion
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch