Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
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I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
The internet is full of many things
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.