Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”