“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
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I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Oh, I bet you would be
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*