Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
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[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I triple waxed for this?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing