Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Thursday Thought.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus