bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
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When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”