Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Poetry is my passion
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.