Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
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You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
North and South
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.