Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.