Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
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Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.