Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.