*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
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The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
it is time once again
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?