I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
You Might Also Like
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
classic mixup
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.