[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.