Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
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Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha