Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
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“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I don’t understand what’s happening here.