9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
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[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin