If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
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“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too